My song "What Happened to Forever" Peer and Professional feedback would be greatly appreciated

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My song "What Happened to Forever" Peer and Professional...

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What Happened To Forever MP3...

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Joe Loforte Discussion started by Joe Loforte 7 years ago

What happened to forever
What happened to those vows we took
What happened to forever
Our fairytale storybook
What happened to those dreams
Of how we'd set the world on fire
What happened to forever
I'm still here you're gone
What happened to those feelings
Back when you gave your heart to me
And when we held each other
And gave our love so easily
What happened to those dreams
Of how we'd set the world on fire
What happened to forever
I'm still here you're gone
I've been loving you now
For such a long time girl
I prayed that you would hold on
To our near perfect world
But you just let go
Went and found somebody else
I don't think, I could love you anymore
And what about our children
They're never gonna be the same
The time we've lost together
So sad its such a crying shame
What happened to those dreams
Of how we'd set the world on fire
What happened to forever
I'm still here you're gone
I've been loving you now
For such a long time girl
I prayed that you would hold on
To our near perfect world
But you just let go
Went and found somebody else
I don't think I'm gonna love you anymore
What happened to forever
What happened to those vows we took
What happened to forever
Our fairytale storybook
How come you couldn't see
That we had set the world on fire
What happened to forever
I'm still here you're gone
By: Joe Loforte Copyright © 2017

Looking for both peer and professional feedback on my song. Not my singing. I am strictly a songwriter, not a performer :) Thanks all !!!

Replies

Isaac Torres Very nice Joe. Just a suggestion, the phrase, "I'm still here, you're gone" feels out of place at the end of the stanzas. i think it would be better to omit those and end on "What happened to forever?" Just a thought. 7 years ago

Joe Loforte Thank you Isaac for taking the time to listen Much appreciated 7 years ago

James Porterfield Hey Joe! Nice song here. I am in sort of the opposite camp of Isaac in that I like the hook of "What happened to forever, I'm still here, you're gone." It tells/sells the theme of the song. We've all been in a relationship that we thought and said would last forever, but it didn't. I also really like your bridge and the line at the end of it "I don't thihnk I could love you any more.." And you might consider using that same version of that line where you have "I don't think I'm gonna love you anymore." I get that you are finalizing the message there, but it might be too on-the-nose. The first version of the line leaves the double entendre of "I couldn't possibly love you more" and "I can't be in love with you anymore. Just a thought! "The melody is a little sing-song, but so are most of the greatest ear-worm melodies of all time! So that is not an insult and I still like it. Just love the melodic interrupt of the bridge and you might consider one more melodic change, even if it was just a musical interlude. Of course that could be something an artist or producer adds. 7 years ago

Hey Joe!  Nice song here.  I am in sort of the opposite camp of Isaac in that I like the hook of "What happened to forever, I'm still here, you're gone."  It tells/sells the theme of the song.  We've all been in a relationship that we thought and said would last forever, but it didn't.  I also really like your bridge and the line at the end of it "I don't thihnk I could love you any more.."  And you might consider using that same version of that line where you have "I don't think I'm gonna love you anymore."  I get that you are finalizing the message there, but it might be too on-the-nose. The first version of the line leaves the double entendre of "I couldn't possibly love you more" and "I can't be in love with you anymore. Just a thought!   "The melody is a little sing-song, but so are most of the greatest ear-worm melodies of all time!  So that is not an insult and I still like it.  Just love the melodic interrupt of the bridge and you might consider one more melodic change, even if it was just a musical interlude.  Of course that could be something an artist or producer adds.

Joe Loforte Thanks so much Scott Very helpful !!! 7 years ago

Tyler Hunt Hello Joe. Again, I think you have great melody ideas going. To me, I just got a bit lost in your song structure, meaning, it looks like you did chorus -> then like a verse/refrain -> chorus -> verse -> verse -> verse -> chorus... I did like how you ended each section/stanza like what Scott said above. I mostly was focusing on the repetitive harmonic rhythm however. I believe songwriters need to be able to wear many hats, meaning lyrical writers, melodic writers, harmonic writers. I think you should look into more your harmonic structure of this song,. Because to me it sounded like you were on A aeolian mode most of the time, Amin (i) -> G (bVII) -> F (bVI). That is actually a very common minor key progression as you probably know. Then in another section you did F (bVI) -> Emin (V), nice change, but the harmonic RHYTHM was repetitive. Try a syncopated rhythm maybe in some sections (like bass (root) note then hit the third and fifth on the up beats or something. Then for your other section change the harmonic rhythm again. I think your lyrical ideas are strong, your melodies are very nice, but look into more your harmonic ideas. You don't obviously need a full production I understand, but, many songs also have a very catchy instrumental hook as well, some examples Sting - Englishman in New York when you hear the staccato strings and the oboe playing at the beginning you know what song it is exactly even before the melody/singer (Sting) comes in. Also his song Fragile, the acoustic guitar and the hook melody it plays right at the very beginning tells your ears exactly what song it is. Give the piano a voice in the song a bit, then back it off for when you sing, then when not singing in spaces come in with your piano ideas. Analyze everything about your favorite songs, Lyrics, Melodies (placement of Melodies), harmonies (all the instruments and what they are doing in the song and how they are complementing everything. Very nice song again, great potential! It was a pleasure to listen to. Tyler 7 years ago

Hello Joe.  Again, I think you have great melody ideas going.  To me, I just got a bit lost in your song structure, meaning, it looks like you did chorus -> then like a verse/refrain -> chorus -> verse -> verse -> verse -> chorus...  I did like how you ended each section/stanza like what Scott said above. I mostly was focusing on the repetitive harmonic rhythm however.  I believe songwriters need to be able to wear many hats, meaning lyrical writers, melodic writers, harmonic writers.  I think you should look into more your harmonic structure of this song,.  Because to me it sounded like you were on A aeolian mode most of the time, Amin (i) -> G (bVII)  -> F (bVI).  That is actually a very common minor key progression as you probably know.  Then in another section you did F (bVI) -> Emin (V), nice change, but the harmonic RHYTHM was repetitive.  Try a syncopated rhythm maybe in some sections (like bass (root) note then hit the third and fifth on the up beats or something.  Then for your other section change the harmonic rhythm again.  I think your lyrical ideas are strong, your melodies are very nice, but look into more your harmonic ideas.  You don't obviously need a full production I understand, but, many songs also have a very catchy instrumental hook as well, some examples Sting - Englishman in New York when you hear the staccato strings and the oboe playing at the beginning you know what song it is exactly even before the melody/singer (Sting) comes in.  Also his song Fragile, the acoustic guitar and the hook melody it plays right at the very beginning tells your ears exactly what song it is.  Give the piano a voice in the song a bit, then back it off for when you sing, then when not singing in spaces come in with your piano ideas.  Analyze everything about your favorite songs, Lyrics, Melodies (placement of Melodies), harmonies (all the instruments and what they are doing in the song and how they are complementing everything.  Very nice song again, great potential!  It was a pleasure to listen to. Tyler

Joe Loforte Great feedback !!! Thank you again. Much appreciated. 7 years ago

Tyler Hunt Hello Joe, Just wanted to share some songs that I did for a class some months back. Both songs are just ruff drafts they are far from even demo quality, they have many production things that still need addressing to be even demo quality and also my singing isn't very good, each took me about 5 hours from scratch to do, and would need more hours to be decent production wise. I'm trying to show with sharing these assignments is how I personally go about writing a song. 1. I first have to develop an idea/title/hook for a song, mostly through object writing. 2. I then think about a target genre or artist that I have in mind for the song, the first song was like a reggae style (a la Magic - Rude or Sublime style) the other I was trying to think of like a contemporary R&B like Childish Gambino - Redbone. 3. I then start trying to come up with hook/melody ideas based on that target genre as well as thinking about some applicable harmonic rhythmic ideas around those genres, e.g. Raggae has strong downbeat guitar strums on offbeats, etc. 4. Either during step 3 or slightly afterwards I start thinking about the song structure for the song (i.e. verse - prechorus - chorus, or verse/refrain, etc. 5. Once I have a decent hook idea I start thinking about how to add different sections, verses or whatever and how to contrast each section through harmonic changes, harmonic rhythmic changes, melodic motifs, changes in melodic placements, i.e. really there are so many ways to contrast sections through so many tools. Please check out the songs, give me some feedback too please. But I just want to say if you want lets work on a song. If you would like to collaborate lets try to work on a song. Maybe we can go into the collab section and see if anyone else would be willing to work on something...Let me know, I'm sure all our schedules are rough and this will take some time but lets work on something. Also, it would be great to try to recruit someone here to sing on the song. I think after sometime we can produce a decent track. Let me know, thanks take care. I can post the lyrics and stuff to each song, but this post would have been way too long, but if you can tell me what song structure do you think I made each song? Again, thanks. 7 years ago

Hello Joe,  Just wanted to share some songs that I did for a class some months back.  Both songs are just ruff drafts they are far from even demo quality, they have many production things that still need addressing to be even demo quality and also my singing isn't very good, each took me about 5 hours from scratch to do, and would need more hours to be decent production wise.   I'm trying to show with sharing these assignments is how I personally go about writing a song.  1.  I first have to develop an idea/title/hook for a song, mostly through object writing.  2.  I then think about a target genre or artist that I have in mind for the song, the first song was like a reggae style (a la Magic - Rude or Sublime style) the other I was trying to think of like a contemporary R&B like Childish Gambino - Redbone.  3.  I then start trying to come up with hook/melody ideas based on that target genre as well as thinking about some applicable harmonic rhythmic ideas around those genres, e.g. Raggae has strong downbeat guitar strums on offbeats, etc.  4.  Either during step 3 or slightly afterwards I start thinking about the song structure for the song (i.e. verse - prechorus - chorus, or verse/refrain, etc.  5.  Once I have a decent hook idea I start thinking about how to add different sections, verses or whatever and how to contrast each section through harmonic changes, harmonic rhythmic changes, melodic motifs, changes in melodic placements, i.e. really there are so many ways to contrast sections through so many tools.  Please check out the songs, give me some feedback too please.  But I just want to say  if you want lets work on a song.  If you would like to collaborate lets try to work on a song.  Maybe we can go into the collab section and see if anyone else would be willing to work on something...Let me know, I'm sure all our schedules are rough and this will take some time but lets work on something.  Also, it would be great to try to recruit someone here to sing on the song.  I think after sometime we can produce a decent track.  Let me know, thanks take care.  I can post the lyrics and stuff to each song, but this post would have been way too long, but if you can tell me what song structure do you think I made each song?  Again, thanks.

Tyler Hunt Struggling to attach .mp3s to this post. 7 years ago

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